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Jimmy couldn’t help but smile. It was a beautiful day today, the sun shining, the birds singing. And he was finally going to ask Susan out. He wasn’t quite sure what a lady like her would like, but after some Google searches, he had concluded that canoeing was a safe middle-ground. They could talk and get to know each other better, but there was always the excuse of ‘enjoying nature’ if the conversation went south.

Plus, it’s not like anyone was a big canoe enthusiast or anything, right? At least not at his age. That was something you took up when you moved to an isolated water-adjacent small town to get away from people, because you hate them, but then you realize you don’t really like the person you moved with (if there is one at all), so then you find hobbies to fill your days with joy and pass the time in a more pleasant manner than Ralph ever could.

If these hobbies involve peace and quiet, as far away as possible from him? Even better.

But that’s just what his aunt Dacia said. She could be wrong. After all, she married Ralph. Who knew what else she was capable of?

And on the off chance this girl had canoed before, well, there couldn’t be that much to it, right? The paddle went in the water, again and again, and that moved the canoe forward. The people of Easter Island were excellent at it, and they nearly wiped out their entire populace due to their own stupidity, after using giant rocks shaped like Squidward’s house to measure their greatness to boot. How hard could it be?

Plus, if she was good, and he was bad, she could teach him, and that would be a bonding moment. It would pass the time, be a starter for conversation, and give her a time where she felt powerful, in charge, and women loved to have that once in a while so they could still fool themselves into thinking they were loved and needed.

They would lord these moments over men, and men would pretend to be emasculated, would pretend to be embarrassed. Women, being the vicious wenches they were, would often do it in front of their man’s friends, to bring him down a notch in their eyes, to create an embarrassment around them so that he desired to spend more time with her, and less with them.

Of course, usually they didn’t care in the slightest, being men, and being used to women’s games and tricks. But sometimes, if they were really adept at their craft, they’d pretend so well that they’d actually fool themselves into believing the lie, and end up moving away from all their friends and spending all their time with a power-hungry, devious, cold-hearted little bitch.

But that’s just what his uncle Ralph said. He could be wrong. After all, he married Dacia. Who knew what else he was capable of?

Probably canoeing.

Satisfied that he had thought through this plan from every angle, and it remained flawless, Jimmy set off, content with himself, whistling a little tune that only his ears could hear.